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I've never been skydiving,, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast. 
When people go underwater during movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I died at Finding Nemo.
My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum; it's either her or the Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last st@tus update, in which I talk about having a girlfriend.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.
when I think of a selfie, I'm not sure it's the same thing you're thinking of
How to be a gangster: Step1- Buy XXL shirts and pants. Step2- Put them on. Step3- Waddle like a penguin.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.
We have rappers who used to be pimps and gangsters telling us not to download music because it's stealing..
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I think the National Weather Service is a front for the National Grocery Association
Russia is going to the moon, we can't even get to the next state with the price of gas
I wanted to bake a cake from scratch, but I'm out of scratch.
nobody is going to give you a $100 gift card just for liking their business on Facebook. If your that dumb you shouldn't be on the internet to start with.
believes NASA could help erase some of the national debt by charging to take people up in the shuttle that need to discover the world doesn't revolve around them.
it's not death I fear..........it's what they'll find on my computer when I go!!
This just in...Blown up COLLAGEN injected lips are NOT sexy. People notice but not in a good way. We actually snicker and mock you. Thank you that is all.
I'm thinking the woman with 4 kids on leashes at Walmart should probably stop buying her condoms at Walmart.
Strip search? Fine but I'm going to need some background music. 