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Back in my day we didn't have all these types of birth control. We only had "OH HELL NO!" And we used it. 
Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something.
Spending quality time with the people that really matter reminds me of who I am and recharges my love, hope and drive. I'm forever grateful.
Political opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one and no one wants to hear it.
If Couples That Are In Love Are Called "Love Birds", Then Couples Who Are Always Fighting And Arguing Should Be Called "Angry Birds"
It's like my dad always said, "Don't call me Dad."
Hey bartender! I spilt my beer in my mouth, can I get another??
I think I'll get a pet Boa Constrictor. It should be real cheap to feed him what with all the free kittens on Craigslist.
So,, If you're blind and on the toilet, do you wipe until you count to 20,, or how does that work?
My girlfriend says that a small pěis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she’s right or not, I’d prefer it if she didn’t have one at all!
Twinkies are like Val Kilmer, bloated, saturated in fat, and no one’s had them in their mouth since the 80's.
Redneck word of the day: MORON. Usage: "Hey ma, Miley has moron her plate than me!"
I lost my virginity to a guy who said "just the tip"
I had a circular driveway put in my front yard. Now I can't get out.
JUST saw Santa jumping from roof to roof with half a dozen cops behind him. Perhaps he lost his Reindeer and they're helping him find them?
I've run out of fingers & toes to count the reasons of why I'm going to hell.
Two things some people can't live without, God and the internet, are everywhere and all-knowing. But only one of them gives you naked woman anytime you want.
I like reverse cowgirl because she can't see me tweeting and updating my Facebook status.
Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their guns don't work on him
it would of been cool if Atlanta Falcons had won today....then the Super Bowl could be sponsored by the game "Angry Birds" 