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The moment Steve Bannon tells you to keep your mouth shut is the moment you start yelling as loud as you can. 
I’m tired of people complaining about $7.00 dollars beers, $10.00 dollars parking, and $20.00 dollars cover charge. Don’t like the prices? Stop coming to my house.
I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.
Call me crazy, but I'd rather see a taco truck on every corner than an anti-choice bigot on every Supreme Court seat.
Redneck word of the day: pistol "I drank so many beers I think I might pistol the sun comes up."
I kissed with an ohmless girl last night............. There was very little resistance
So you're Chinese? "Japanese" Sorry..& what a cute litte girl.. "Boy" Oh a boy. Of course.. And I like your pet croc.. "Alligator" I should go..
What do the Chinese call a 69? Twocanchew
I GOT ALL KINDS OF B1TCHES!!! German shepards, chihuahuas, dobermans, poodles...
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
My wife said she was going to leave me so I chopped off her legs ..then she came crawling back..!!
I scrolled too far back on my timeline and I ended up on myspace
If your boyfriend is pierced on both ears and wears earrings or as he likes to call them “studs”, then I am really sorry to inform you that he also has a boyfriend.
I wish my grass was Emo, so it would cut itself.
this chick 'Beyonce' lost her phone today She said its on silent. I was like, "If you liked it then you shouldve put a ring on it!"
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing.. they just WAVED...Do you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH. :)
Who goes clubbing in tight jeans with no underwear and forgets to do his fly up? I'm that guy
what goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives you a warm satisfaction?...a teabag
Potatoes have skin, you have skin. Therefore you are a potato.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak 