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According to the Body Mass Index chart, I'm too short. 
If you love someone, set her free. If she doesn't come back, start dating her best friend.
I like to hit snooze from the back.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life if I die on Friday.
Tomorrow is National Half Priced Candy Corn Day
"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers." - new york's most hated cab driver
Any man who says his wedding day is the happiest day of his life has obviously never scored an over-head kick on FIFA.
When you get married, wouldn't it make more sense for the groom's mother to walk the bride down the aisle? That way you would have the woman that brought you into this world and the woman that will take you out of it.
Ladies; If he doesn't think you're a little bit crazy, he's not paying enough attention to you.
I wish I had an office job so I can call in sick with one of my 'deathly ill' voices...
I've fallen! And I can't reach my coffee!
thats the last time I buy Sushi from the dollar store!
I crossbred a squirrel with a spider. It craws up your leg and eats your nuts.
I am so famous & powerful that every movie is released in a cinema near me.
You guys just don't get me like you used to. - Polio
I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his baIIs
My research has shown that girls with shaved-off-and-drawn-back-on eyebrows tend to be more confused by a push/pull door than a 5 year old toddler.
People who tell you something then they say "nevermind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers.
i think Hawaiian Airlines should change slogan to "we do wheely well"
You're as confusing as Daniel Tosh's sexuality. 