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thinks Santa is a judgemental twat who bears a grudge. I've explained the Elves incident a hundred times now. So what if I was caught naked with one of his helpers in a cupboard, it was all an innocent mistake! 
voted most likely to get "slapped" in High-School
wonders when John Mellencamp will write a song about the plight of the Facebook farmer?
that sometimes you just meed to be with the person who makes you smile even if that means waiting
doesn't have to make sense to be funny!
If your dog fits in your purse, send it back, it's a rat in a dog suit.
lost her virginity, but still has the box it came in.
To bring attention to testicular cancer week, I am telling you my boxer briefs are black.
In a PBS world with a HBO mind...
If only I had alzheimer's , then I too could join the easter egg hunt. :(
R.I.P Paul The Psychic Octopus... Coming to a Sushi bar near you!
San Francisco bans toys in Happy Meals.... Mayor McCheese vows to "Take it to the Supreme Court, if necessary"
Mr. Dentist you can b*tch at me all day to start flossing, but the truth is I'm more likely to watch Jersey Shore than I am to floss. I'd rather have a pincone shoved up my a$$ than watch jersey shore. So unless you've got a pinecone, stop wasting my time
When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you ... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain ...
AHHHH-CHOO!!!........٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶....If you are allergic to bullcrap, drama queens, head games, liars, two-faced fake people, keep this sneeze going.....
Why is Lou Dobbs hiring illegal aliens when Toni Braxton needs the work?
RE-INSTALLING SUMMER ... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 60% DONE
hroughout the shutdown if you need someone to ignore your basic needs while taking a sizable percentage of your earnings, I’m here for you.
My kisses are wet no matter which lips I use.
Wiki leaks: kraby patty secret formula 