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Shut the F**k up, eat your turkey and just be thankful! 
This milk tastes like gorgonzola cheese. The sell by date is 12/29. Never mind. 12/29/15.
my new years resolution is 1680 x 1050
The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.
The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .
You're like the Tampax string hanging out of people.
If you ever see Rick Ross running, call the police.
you you know when you loose control of the words falling out of your mouth, you should do me a favor and just choke on it
In life everything has a Yin & a Yang. Without demoralizing Monday mornings, there would be no debaucherous Friday nights.
clicking her heels......... trying to find her way home.
Since they are doing 2011 in review on various TV News/Info programs... They showed pictures of Rihanna with Red Hair and a pony-tail. I thought, "Wow, Wendy's Logo just got a New Look"
Thanks, Phillips Colon Health Lady, for proving there's no need for a healthy diet if we can just eat crap & take a pill.
Worked out for an hour. Ate two brownies. Somehow I am able to justify this because its Friday...
I"VE HAD IT UP TO BEER WITH YOU!
says the scariest thing in the world is to know what a cat is thinking when it stares at you
You can wake someone who is sleeping but you can't wake up someone pretending to sleep.
There comes a time in the day when no matter what the question the answer is booze.
The only way to watch and enjoy "The Big Lebowski" movie is to have the official Big Lebowski drink, The Caucasian, in ready supply and in hand through out the movie.
Doctors say a drink a day is good for the heart. I say, a case a day is good for the memory, it helps you forget all the as$holes around you!
Freedom is tweeting with no pants. 