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I just swiped left on someone based solely on the fact her name was Susan. 
They should invent an alarm clock that if I press snooze more than three times, it automatically shouts out, “You’ve made a fool of me and yourself.” :))
ASome people actually believe that the only thing their tax dollars go to is food stamps. Bahahahahah
I don't get why girls get mad when men only want them for their bodies. Their brains are just filled with tons of knowledge about shoes.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Fun fact: the person who said "If you love something let it go" died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
there anything worse than being on vacation, and your copy of Enter The Dragon won't play because of a scraaaaatch????
It's not my fault my kids turned out like they did. I was never around!
A moment of silence for everything I have to do but am not doing.
It's so cold out the Town Flasher was caught describing himself to women.
HD p0rn so clear, you can see her financial crisis.
"all dressed up and nowhere to go" atheist tombstone
All I'm saying, ladies, is if you're looking for a guy how about collecting snacks instead of cats.
What do you mean there's no attendant in rest area bathrooms? Then who was the guy that held my pen*s while I peed and vigorously shook it?
A woman who was shopping at my store today called me a "Living Doll"..okay she actually called me Chucky, but.....
Maybe that missing plane is wherever our lost socks are??
They just interviewed Jimmy Hoffa of Fox News about the missing plane.
“Mom I’m bleeding”“Oh sweetie there’s" "no need to be worried it's just a sign ur becomin a woman" "Thnk God, I was really starting to get worried about this axe inmy shoulder!"
I think it's actually statistically something like 113% of people over-exaggerate.
How much are these anti-depressants? Sir, that's a 12 pack. 