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ME: "Waiter, I'd like to send this back" WAITER: "Sir, I believe that's your wife." 
My feelings for you haven't changed...after a year I still don't like you.
How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google’s homepage.
Inspirational thought: One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right?
I like my organic farm-raised eggs like I like my action movies: Cage free.
I took my kid to a Speech Pathologist today but I'm not sure he's really a Dr. All he said was "Say it, don't spray it."
I kept it gangsta...but, it was like 19% gangsta.
Shawshank my way out of here!
I just woke up and realized I didn't have to.
I call my fists The Nina and The Pinta because they don't land where I want them to.
I went to the store to buy some beef jerky but my credit application was turned down.
What sense of getting parrot and not teaching it to say. Hello, it's me Jimmy Hoffa, I was turned into a parrot send help...
Women should come equipped with traffic lights. That way guys would know when to stop, when to proceed with caution, and when to go hard.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick's Day. . .
I don’t understand you. You don’t understand me. What else do we have in common?
Coming from someone who writes "a Atlas" #ignorant #anAtlas
She might look sweet and innocent until you end up hog tied to a bed naked with a gag in your mouth because you were 'naughty and tried to get away'!
just call me "Mario" cause I've been looking & looking & cant seem to find a woman either #Nintendo
It's a damn shame that all the people who avoid me can't just come to terms with being in love with me.
Never bring a hangover to a wife fight. 