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It:always Halloween at your house with all those skeletons in your closet. 
5 blocks and no one has given me any candy, this is going to be a long day..
I want a girl I'm proud enough of to show off to my family and friends
There is a difference from being catwoman and catlady...
And for whatever reason, no one told em how to get to Sesame Street
Did it for the vine. Court date pending ....
Which one is Heckle and which one is Jeckle? And why did Mr. Hyde have to be a home wrecker?
Dear Santa, Please get Apple to replace Siri with Channing Tatum
It puts the lotion in the basket... It puts the body wash in the basket... It puts the face scrub in the basket... *This gift basket is going well.
"Hmmm, It says on your resumé that you..."can dodge flying poop?.. and "enjoys acting like a chimpanzee?"... "Ummm yes, that's correct"
One day girl, all those flashing lights and sirens will be for us.
New Year, New Me!!! my @ss, woke up and it's still the same me.
My parent's kitchen was designed with 11 light switches, all of which turn on the garbage disposal if you're trying to be quiet
i think the NFL may be getting close in over hyping the superbowl!
I have childhood memories that I am not 100% sure actually happened or if I dreamed them I really do not know
A little help here... Preparing for my rap battle. So far I have "I'm rubber you're glue" and a touchdown endzone dance.
It's great to wake up on a Sunday and not have the overwhelming feeling to check myself into Gamblers, Alcoholics and Over Eaters Anonymous.
PETA will fight a thousands battles, but apparently the Flintstones taking a dump in a pelicans mouth is not one of them.
Kanye West only accepted the role of Santa Claus after the director agreed to change the script so that the kids all asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
When a hipster pissed me off, I don't get mad, I just throw their Fiat on a roof. 