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WORK THIS WEEK??? - My MIND TELLING me NOOOOOoooo!!!, but my wallet telling me...dude You need more alcohol!! 
happy 2 month anniversary to my 29 open browser tabs!
Sometimes a status I have worked so hard on goes unnoticed and unliked. So I get it women who spent two hours getting ready and your boyfriend doesn’t even notice.
Breaking: Denver complaining of contact high...they swear.
Dear Monday.. I hate u...
April Fools this year falls on a Tuesday. I want to order a case of the stick figure family stickers and head over to the mall and randomly put them on people’s windows just to confuse the hell out of them when they come out to find their vehicles. Whoâ
A skeleton walks into a bar.He ordered a beer & a mop.
I'm a real down-to-earth kind of guy. Because, you know, gravity.
They're called "The Wonder Years" because you wonder where they went.
Disappointed to tune into the Olympics to find that curling wasn't a Bicep competition.
Have they invented the Sitbit yet ..its more my "fit"
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I like to refer to it as a "Magic Carpet Ride" when I sit on HIS bearded face and HE works that tongue like Harry Potter wielding a wand.
"I've looked everywhere" to men is really.. "I gazed around the floor then opened and shut 3 cabinets"
I just heard that Prince just went to Chyna.
Why in 2013 do semmingly smart broadcasters with english or journalism degrees continue to say "same exact"?? It's effing dumb stupid...
If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets, outstanding child support payments. But mostly loving too much.
There are three types of lies -- lies, damn lies, and statistics.
Confuse people who bring hotel breakfast to you in bed by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"
You know you're reached old age when you go to walmart for fiber supplements only to realize you had your blinker on the whole time... 