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She said there was no spark between us, so I tazed her. I'll ask again when she wakes up. 
Thank you so much for waking me up at 7.30 this morning with your text informing me that I may be entitled to compensation for that car accident I had. That must be the one where I lost all memory of the whole day. Just send me a cheque and let me sleep i
I hope her spirit animal is a spread eagle.
If you get a recipe from a cannibal make sure it differentiates between ground chuck & ground Chuck.
Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that, somewhere...
I am so sorry they can't dislodge my stress ball from your ass :(
"I would rather have my balls repetitively stomped on by a woman wearing high heels" -My response to a "Hanson" concert invite-
What you do when people sing happy birthday to you: 5% - Sing. 10% - Smile. 85% - Sit there like a dumbf#ck trying to figure out what to do.
Whatever doesn't kill you makes me angrier.
Instead of thinking outside the box, why dont we get rid of the box?
What the hell did we do during blow jobs before cell phones?
If you were mine, your next boyfriend would thank me for straightening your clueless and inexperienced ass out.
So A-Rod was seen flirting with a female fan during Game 1 of the ALCS. If he hooks up with her, is Raul Ibañez gonna have to come in n finish hitting for him there too???
The fashion police can eat my white jean shorts!
Mistakes make you think. They make you realize that sometimes there are no next times, no time outs and no second chances.
caught sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets. Now I'm gounded.
Don't you wish, that Kate somehow watched "The Runaway Bride" last night, over-and-over again!!!
I really hope Osama didnt have a twin brother! ......#worried
You can't find me cause I'm lost in the music.
I think I'm going to call in raptured to work on monday 