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The vastness that is the universe is within everyone's grasp, if they but only have the vision to see beyond its infinite yet attainable horizons.(I wanted to see how full of it I could get) 
Maybe someone stole her phone, that's why she hasn't called me in 3 years. Yeah I'm sure that's what it is.
It's a beautiful day to dwell on the past and blame yourself for things out of your control.
i dont know what makes you stupid, but it works really well.
I must be amazing at chatting online; everytime I talk to a girl I leave her speechless.
In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield.
My apartment looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.
I bet if you're a firefly, it must be really hard to get to sleep at night with all that random flashing.
I'm an inventor. I invent all kinds of sh*t. But some people call it lying...
After losing Gronkowski to injury and Hernandez for murder, I heard Tom Brady is ecstatic that Tim Tebow will be handling the duty of "tight end" next season. ツ
if you're poor, then you're the one doing it wrong, dude...
I'm always disappointed when liar's pants don't actually catch on fire
I love earth, except the people on it.
If you don't back up and pin the doctor the wall when he sticks his finger in, it's not a prostate exam.
I don't pay you to put evil notions in my head. The ones already in there don't need company. - Tyrion Lannister
I wish my name was Grudge. This way women would hold on to me forever.
I Never understood why people watch porn together while having sex. If I have porn then what the hell do I need with another person?"
Actually, it's either: "DRIVING" or "RIDING" six white horses. Who's the dumb@$$ now?
About this whole Royal Baby thing, I googled "who cares?" and my name wasn't in the search results.
If you don't have an ugly person in your group of friends, it's probably you. 