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Girl stop spilling your crazy all over me! 
Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you're still alive.
Boy, I'd hate to be your therapist. -All my friends
I bet valet parking would make you rich in Atlanta Ga right now!
Joe Namath drunk again
cant wait for spring
typos don't bother me, they're honest mistakes. What bothers me are illiterates; people who don't know how to speak or spell.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex..
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, but now my boss is coming back from Costa Rica a day early.
At my job interview today the guy said, "You're shaking, don't be so nervous." So I told him, "Oh, I'm not nervous, I'm an alcoholic."
if you are in a male same sex marraige, do both guys forget to buy a Valentines Gift
me and the mrs and our daughter are having a competition in self control, Weve just unrapped the new t.v. and put the bubble wrap in the corner of the room. Its like the final scene in the good the bad and the ugly, i'm going to break first I think.
Her yoga instructor is the only person who can get away with telling my girlfriend to relax.
everybody is believing the Facebook privacy policy. Doesn't matter, the NSA owns it anyway.
Once this girl I liked told me I looked like Ted Bundy and I didn't know if I was supposed to ask her out or kill her or what.
i am going antiquing! at my age that means I am looking for chicks
Instead of exchanging gifts at work for Christmas I wish we could exchange families.
Lemonade or orange juice? I'm asking the vodka.
Just got a free bowl of soup with this awesome hat I just bought!
At this very moment hundreds of men are using the "It's the end of the world tomorrow" pick-up line. 