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Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, but now my boss is coming back from Costa Rica a day early. 
At my job interview today the guy said, "You're shaking, don't be so nervous." So I told him, "Oh, I'm not nervous, I'm an alcoholic."
if you are in a male same sex marraige, do both guys forget to buy a Valentines Gift
me and the mrs and our daughter are having a competition in self control, Weve just unrapped the new t.v. and put the bubble wrap in the corner of the room. Its like the final scene in the good the bad and the ugly, i'm going to break first I think.
Her yoga instructor is the only person who can get away with telling my girlfriend to relax.
everybody is believing the Facebook privacy policy. Doesn't matter, the NSA owns it anyway.
Once this girl I liked told me I looked like Ted Bundy and I didn't know if I was supposed to ask her out or kill her or what.
i am going antiquing! at my age that means I am looking for chicks
Instead of exchanging gifts at work for Christmas I wish we could exchange families.
Lemonade or orange juice? I'm asking the vodka.
Just got a free bowl of soup with this awesome hat I just bought!
At this very moment hundreds of men are using the "It's the end of the world tomorrow" pick-up line.
that feeling going into a multiple choice test knowing you will use process of elimination to get all the questions right and then seeing all four choices could be right.....DAMNIT
With the memories that most women claim to have, I'm always surprised to hear them talk about losing their virginity.
I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.
who cleans up after seeing eye dogs?
Everytime you use the handicap stall you secretly hope no one in a wheelchair comes in.
Guy at coffee shop just requested something "dunkable." This is making me uncomfortable.
I taught her how to love, she taught me how to hate.
Ok... I've just discovered the worst part about being single... I can never find a damned thing!! 