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It's funny how even your best friend can suddenly hate you like a sworn enemy when they think you like the same person they like. 
Storage Wars is fake? What will you tell me next, that Taco Bell meat isn't real or that Santa isn't real?
I don't mean to be a stereotype, but like most women, I love shoplifting.
it me or does Don Imus look like a muppet/dc follies character?
According to my wife's calculations, I haven't been right in 12 years.
wine is the wrath of grapes.
"the artist formerly known as Pope."
Top 4 forms of birth control: 1. Condoms. 2. the pill. 3. Crocs. 4. Skinny jeans
Before you and your best friend decide to stop speaking to each other, hug them and stab them to death because they know way too much.
Bought some Coronas today for St Patrick's day.....Ire mon!!!! Oh wait thats Jamaican......Viva..Las Vegas???..... nevermind,,,, where's the freakin limes??
The only thing I spill when I'm drinking is my reputation...
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do...
Of course I have real friends. They're named beer, whiskey, and vodka.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along
I Say: A Joke is like s*x. Not good if you don't get it
You put the stress in mistress.
It's not hard to tell girls apart from women. Do her eyes sometimes glow red? Does she say sh*t like "YOUR SOUL IS MINE"? That's a woman.
Sometimes you got to talk to someone only once to realize why everyone else avoids them like a plague.
Keep your friends close but your cupcakes closer.
Happy Canada D'eh! Now let's get drunk! 