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Before you and your best friend decide to stop speaking to each other, hug them and stab them to death because they know way too much. 
Bought some Coronas today for St Patrick's day.....Ire mon!!!! Oh wait thats Jamaican......Viva..Las Vegas???..... nevermind,,,, where's the freakin limes??
The only thing I spill when I'm drinking is my reputation...
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do...
Of course I have real friends. They're named beer, whiskey, and vodka.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along
I Say: A Joke is like s*x. Not good if you don't get it
You put the stress in mistress.
It's not hard to tell girls apart from women. Do her eyes sometimes glow red? Does she say sh*t like "YOUR SOUL IS MINE"? That's a woman.
Sometimes you got to talk to someone only once to realize why everyone else avoids them like a plague.
Keep your friends close but your cupcakes closer.
Happy Canada D'eh! Now let's get drunk!
Oh well, this time isn't going to procrastinate itself.
Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks are not?
Some people's desperation is so hard to watch, I'm forced to wear sunglasses while I laugh....
I think the #1 phrase that is guaranteed to make people argue is "what do you want to eat?"
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
the new prince should be be called....`s greatest hits!!!
Just fetched the first watermelon of the year from my garden, so I get it royal baby fans. I totally get that sh*t.
Better to have loved and lust, than to never have lusted at all. 