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50 Cent, or as he's called in the U.K, approximately 29p ... 
So, where's the reset button on this life thing?
Who's in charge of the Facebook awards this year? I have a few names to submit for the "most likely to commit bestiality" category.
Does this nervous breakdown make me look fat?
We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream.
*Phone rings* "Mr. Hughes" "Yeah?" "You need to come pick your son of from school" "Awe crap, what did he do?" "Nothing, its almost midnight"
What's the prescription strength number for cupcakes?
I say we 3D print some thumbs for dolphins and see what happens.
My neighbour just overheard me asking "what's your problem?" to a cute little squirrel on my front lawn.
You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!
If they ever start handing out medals for not participating in anything, that might be my moment to shine.
What do you mean you're pregnant? We slept on the pull out bed.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose....* You faintly hear a spider cussing.
This lady called the cops on me cause she opened her closet and I handed her a blouse. And y'all wonder why chivalry is dead?
The friend zone is just another place to have sex
My flirting checklist 1 Eye Contact 2 Throw you in the trunk of my car 3 4 5 I guess I only have two moves. Flirting is super hard.
Imagine how much pride you'll feel being eaten by lions.
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a food pantry, looking for something to put melted cheese on.
When I grow up, I wanna be the guy in the fluffy suit that police dogs attack!!!
As a kid you could get excited by small stuff: findin a body, pokin it with a stick. Now you gotta poke 10 bodies with 12 sticks just to feel anythin. 