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..... WOW ..... I just found my pet rock my father gave me back in the 70's ...... Amazingly enough it was STILL ALIVE!!! 
I will never understand deer....napping beside the highway. Very dangerous!
I suggest the Jets put Tim Tebow at cornerback to replace Darrell Revis. Nobody can keep the football away from receivers like he can.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill a cat.
I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.
A slut on Facebook who used to post semi-nude pics of herself has just posted a bible verse. There is hope and redemption for everyone after all.
I think it's pointless to haggle over price with hookers when you're just going to kill them anyway and take your money back.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
If your girlfriend is not a Psycho then she isn't in love.
The mighty pancake village has been razed to the ground by my fork of Nom and I, its wielder..
Don't ignore my texts, I know you check your phone 24/7.
it drinko de Mayo or cinco de drinko? F*uck it, I'm just getting drunko...
I'm here to kick ass and mispronounce names.
If you were cyberbullied by me or my gang on the wii tennis forums,,,, I apologize. I have grown a lot since then.
You can't buy happiness, But you can buy weed. And that's kind of the same thing.
How much of this Lucky Charms cereal do I have to eat before I get lucky tonight? Currently on box 37.....
Nasty bumper sticker: My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Student.
Tongue rings make no sense to me, esp if you're a dude.
Lets see do I root for the Gators or the Hurricanes today? Aaron Hernandez -3(murders) or Ray Lewis +3(murders). 