Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This big soccer contest thingy has been going on for a month and forever and not one riot yet? C'mon, hooligans! You're letting me down...

   it still considered premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married?

   My forearm tattoo is just this Pringles can I cant get off my arm.

   Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.

   I remember my first beer.....Ah, who I am kidding....I was too drunk to remember. Plus I was like 12 so...

   I could make a rap video, but instead of cash I'd be surrounded by stacks of Taco Bell napkins

   Why does my car want my ears to explode when I open a back window?

   He held my hair back for me while I vomited in my driveway last night and I repaid him by farting mid-heave. He's a keeper!!!

   ..... WOW ..... I just found my pet rock my father gave me back in the 70's ...... Amazingly enough it was STILL ALIVE!!!

   I will never understand deer....napping beside the highway. Very dangerous!

   I suggest the Jets put Tim Tebow at cornerback to replace Darrell Revis. Nobody can keep the football away from receivers like he can.

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

   That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill a cat.

   I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.

   A slut on Facebook who used to post semi-nude pics of herself has just posted a bible verse. There is hope and redemption for everyone after all.

   I think it's pointless to haggle over price with hookers when you're just going to kill them anyway and take your money back.

   Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.

   If your girlfriend is not a Psycho then she isn't in love.

   The mighty pancake village has been razed to the ground by my fork of Nom and I, its wielder..

   Don't ignore my texts, I know you check your phone 24/7.