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I am not saying I am praying for you to die, but I cant wait to DJ at your funeral. 
My tourette syndrome in under control untill I have to deal with DUMB A$S! stupid people who lack basic MOTHER FUNK1NG! common sense. SH1T! B1TCH!
Do women know how much energy we expend pretending we don't know why they're mad?
These little 'Hug Juice' barrels are too small! I can finish the thing in one gulp! Let's make them bigger, much bigger, and why juice, let's fill it up with beer! Wait, this sounds strangely familiar....
My ole lady needs a TEMPER-pedic mattress cause she keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. :/
In 9th grade coach said my sweater made me look gay. I replied good, as I wanted his wife to leave me alone. 'F' in gym.
By Making your Bed. Your room looks 50 % clean.
That uneasy moment the scales start singing Lionel Richie "Three Times A Lady" when she gets on.
It's hard to get the first kiss right. You want to be firm, but gentle; you want to be manly, but you don't want to wake her up.
she knows that some people never have to worry about hemorrhoirds, because they are perfect a**holes.
My least favorite stage of sleep is "rapid bowel movement".
Never apologize for your greatness but more importantly, never over-exaggerate or fabricate your own greatness.
It'll be 100 years since the R.M.S Titanic sank in five days. Some of the wealthiest people died that day. It was also Tax Deadline Day? Someone didn't pay their taxes......
Announcing “I'm offended” is basically telling the world you can't control your own emotions, so everyone else should do it for you.
NERD FLIRTING: "I wish I could select all of you clothes & press delete."
I'm sick of everyone bringing kegs to the parties I throw. What part of Bring Your Own Bacon don't they understand?
it's no longer a secret that they are getting serviced.
don't ya hate it when it's real quiet in a meeting and your hungry stomach decides to make those "dying whale" sounds...
I am only pretty on the outside.
I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it. 