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I hate it when I don't have someone to do in the morning. 
I know I can go to NAPA to buy truck nuts... But where can I go to get my Prius vajazzled ??
Text:I wanna be inside you. Reply: You were for 9 months. Sorry mom wrong number.
You know when you're having sex and... well, I guess my question is, what's that like?
why do some people have a uterus AND a mustache?
I would probably watch Iron Chef more if Tony Stark were one of them.
Always Remember, If CHRISTMAS Isn't Found In Ur Heart, You Won't Find It Under A Tree..
How much does it cost these days to make someone love you?
WEIRD FACTS: If a cockroach touches a human, it runs to safety and cleans itself.
I strive to be like the ant - noble, virtuous, constantly at war with everything in the world around me!
Everyone is a little more paranoid than they usually are when they're standing at an ATM.
My wife's mother was here for Xmas dinner. My youngest says to me, "Hey Dad! When are you gonna do that trick?!?" "I said, "Do what trick?" He goes, "You know. You said if granny comes for Christmas you'd climb the walls!"
With all of my soul I am wishing you cheer; Happiness now and each day of next year... With all of my heart I am telling you too; It's been my pleasure reconnecting with you!! Have a Wonderful New Year My Friends!!!.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"
My new years resolution for 2013? I will be less laz
boy, the day flys by when you do something you love. Like sleep till Noon...
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday…
I can't believe it's already January 2nd. I mean really, where has the year gone?
Hey, After dealing with my ex for as long as I have these Ikea instructions are a piece of cake...
God grant me the serenity not to beat the holy living bajeezus out of those who piss me off and the wisdom to know this will make a funny story later. 