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Arch West, the creator of Doritos, has passed away at the age of 97. Do you think he'll have a triangle shaped tombstone??? 
"The world needs fewer judgmental people." - Some stupid idiot person, probably.
If I could only have a dollar for every 'LIKE' I receive ...
The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.
So do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
It's only a "good morning" if there's coffee involved
But Officer, I wasn't tailgaing. I was drafting.
Someday, we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously and then quickly change the subject.
Alright Monday what kind of bullsh*t you got for me this time.
Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts
Don't get too excited about Die-ins. They're not really dead! They're just acting like they can't take orders from police.
You should learn from the past, live for today, and look forward to tomorrow... I'm gonna take a nap!
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Just saw a "for lease" sign, I painted "navidad" under it ...
After searching Justin Bieber’s house, police say his only crime is calling what he does music
I asked her to take me somewhere I have never been before and she took me to church. :(
Only if women knew how special it makes a man feel when you wake him up in the middle of the night to give you some coz you are feeling horny.
If you ever think that English is not a shtty language, just remember that read and lead rhyme, and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme, and neither do read and lead
No honey, I love your constant input on my driving
I'm just a girl with a big butt, searching for a man who cannot lie. 