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Nobody goes to that Bar anymore. It's too crowded... wait, what, nevermind, let's go!" 
Always leaves my toenail clippers open, never know when an intruder might show up
maybe Taylor should try dating girls. I hear Biebs is available...
you can only bring sexy back if you have the receipt and in its original condition and packaging.
For god sakes I'm left handed, could you just take your own bra off?
Quick, die! I'll explain later.
Ladies, please quote Marilyn Monroe more. After all, she was so smart and successful in her personal life…
A man skilled at breaking his urine flow will be equally skilled at holding his ejaculation... I dunno, I really just make this s hit up.
I have ADHD. Yup..... high-definition TV in the years after the birth of Jesus.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
"I am ugly" - girls who want you to tell them they are pretty.
Ive waited in line an entire hour to vote, Ended up voting for some guy named Master Chief.
what's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? the taste.
Restarting the whole song because you missed your favorite line.
The 911 operator told me being dead inside isn't an emergency if I'm still able to talk and breathe and stuff. Whatever.
If you search “idiot” in google search, the page will do nothing. (Try it anyways)
I'm beginning to think that "love" really doesn't mean much to tennis players...
Anyone who says they DON"T fart, is full of s hit...
Benedict XVI won't even be able to flog his hat on ebay. He's closed his papal account....
today Obama signed the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA)....is it still legal to tell my gf to make me a sandwich? 