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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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You too can make the Yuletide gay with this delicious peppermint-flavored lube.
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12-22-2011 11:10 by
SuthernFukr
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Santa is the ultimate hipster. Works one day a year and spends the rest of the year judging you.
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12-22-2011 11:03 by
SuthernFukr
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Santa must think my name is Cole.......
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12-22-2011 10:59 by
@gnarleycharley
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Mediocre sex will definitely get you cheated on.
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12-22-2011 10:57
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One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.
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12-22-2011 10:36
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Traffic is getting so bad during rush hour that you can change a flat and not lose your place in line.
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12-22-2011 10:32
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Son: "Dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Dad: "Ask your sister." Son: "But I don't have a..."
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12-22-2011 10:25 by
fadolo
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Don't let someone build you, because they will have the power to destroy you whenever they want.
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12-22-2011 10:11
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Don't act like you never waddled across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with your pants around your ankles.
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12-22-2011 10:07
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I like to flirt with people in stable relationships just to test how stable their relationship is.
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12-22-2011 10:04
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My kids are lucky, their crossing guard dresses as Santa every year. When I was a kid my crossing guard looked like Carla from Cheers.
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12-22-2011 09:49 by
eaglet1122
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I never wake up before my alarm clock goes off. Not because I'm lazy and like to sleep in, its because I don't want it feeling insignificant.
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12-22-2011 09:21
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Christmas: The only time of year when your credit card company calls you and says "Thank you!"...
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12-22-2011 09:09
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Feminist must be so offended every time they need to use a restroom and see the figure on the door still wearing a dress.
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12-22-2011 09:02 by
flinnie
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In a post-Gadaffi world, Hannukah is the only thing that gets to have 4 legal spellings.
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12-22-2011 08:59 by
flinnie
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Trying to look like I'm interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.
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12-22-2011 08:57 by
flinnie
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Anyone who recommends me for a huge job promotion has obviously never watched me try to untangle headphone cords.
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12-22-2011 08:52 by
flinnie
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f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.
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12-22-2011 08:52 by
flinnie
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"never on schedule, but always on Facebook."
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12-22-2011 08:05 by
L
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If you rearrange the letters in CAPS LOCK you get C0CK SLAP!
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12-22-2011 08:00
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