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People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz. 
If someone is in the next stall while I'm using the men's room I like to yell that my water just broke.
You do know that you stand a better chance of being attacked by a polar ninja than winning the megamillions
I like the Facebook update. My "Update Status" box used to read, "What's on your mind?", this morning it changed to "Who are you going to annoy now?".
In order to pull off wearing a bathrobe in public, you either have to accomplish something amazing or lose your will to live.
Fact: Pirates wore eye patches because it took a while to realize a parrot made a better shoulder pet than a cat.
"And then a short, bald man got on his horse and bravely rode off into the sunset" (never written phrases)
A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?
I hate little dogs. I can only love dogs that could kill me.
Google's self-driving car... 200,000 test miles, countless hours and dollars spent, and where is the first place the blind man drives himself.... Taco Bell!
If I give you a tour of my house, in every room I'll say, "This is where the magic happens!",,, and you'll feel super weird about it.
I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment. We just sleep together every night and wake up together every morning.
Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's fish drowned...It was tragic.
When life gives Lady Gaga lemons... She makes an outfit.
For those of you whose FB picks I stalk late at night, it's only because your dog started barking when I was at your window!!
I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home. She said yes with a big smile... So I walked off with her cardboard box.
The Hunger Games? Is that like olympics for overweight former athletes or something?
Finally baked my wife her favorite cake. She took one bite and spit it out. I feel so stupid....she meant "Carrot Cake" not " Parrot Cake" That was a wasted trip to the pet store.
It's only a matter of time until The Homeless start accepting Credit Cards.
When I sing with my headphones in I think, "Why don't I have a record deal?!"...Then I take them out and I know why. 