Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Hey,, adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via my news feed,,, learn how to text.

   Idiots who post pics of food or alcohol they are about to consume, stop it!!!

   I just found out that I hit the $640 million Mega Millions jackpot, but my Dog swallowed the ticket.

   When I win the Mega Millions...The first order of business is buy the company I work for. Second, fire myself and collect unemployment...double dipping

   just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Right now in houses across the Nation, parents are trying to explain to their kids where their college funds went.

   still in a relationship. Cuz I didnt win the mega millions

   To all of you who posted your lotto numbers: I copied them and played them too. If you win, I win. And I get half. Think of it as a pre-emptive divorce.

   I want you to feel like it's home when you're in between my thighs. ;)

   Has A Bigger Possibility Getting Killed On My Way To Buy A Megamillion Ticket Than Winning It

   N!gg@h please. You no g@ngster, you too black, you a Thug..

   Just rubbed the blue dot from the National Enquirer (fingers crossed).

   When I'm a millionare, I'm hiring someone whose only job is to stand at the top of a stairwell and high-five me when I get to the top.

   At a Birthday Party, I dared one kid to suck all the helium out of all the balloons. Today this kid is known as Justin Bieber.

   Sleep + social life = Bad grades. Good grades + sleep = No social life. Good grades + social life = No sleep.

   Congratulations! You've won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.

   A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter, The creators of SPONGEBOB were obviously high.

   If I die in my sleep, my programmable coffee-maker is still going to make a full pot in the morning.... Someone will appreciate that.

   Anyone checked lately to see if there are still other web sites?

   I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it