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So that's why I work so many hours, so you can collect Welfare, wear pajamas in public and have an iPhone. 
Bacon Scented Douche, For that Just Porked feeling!
I read your timeline only to realize how normal I am
Monday is like a kid having sex for the first time...it came too soon!
What would happen if you were scared half to death twice?
I'm an expert in smartassology.
A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.
Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check.
Just stubbed my toe on life
Never lasts longer than forever.
Intelligence always beats good looks. But just to be safe I've got both covered.
I haven't yet met someone who shares my idea of what love really is.
I age my single malt scotch 15 years in just a few months by subjecting it to a series of harrowing emotional experiences.
May your enemies know the sound of a smattering of applause.
I could've sworn my last status update was funny, but I won't argue. You guys know best.
I can get as down and dirty as you need...I'm washable.
If getting people to love you by dangling them over an eternal pit of hell fire is wrong, I don't want to be right.
It takes exactly 14 Kitkats to make you pass out from a sugar overdose.
These press on towels are rubbish,,, its taken three to dry one arm,,!
"That's" - She. 