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My life may be a mess, but I know where everything is. 
A Woman's Football League would only be interesting to me if its raining and the uniform are white.
You ever notice when your phone decides to call someone its someone you don't want to talk to.!
since when did"nom,nom"equate to I ate it and it was very nice ?
Sundays always bring out my inner senior citizen....
Dear Customer Service: When are all of your representatives NOT assisting other callers?
nothing kills a beautiful girls smile like that one crazy tooth...
how do you confuse an archaeologist? give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
By massage you meant sex, right?
John travolta was Quoted today saying I hope people look back at my life someday and say at least he had many Happy Endings.
You know what I think is cute? When my wife drives my girlfriend home without even suspecting a thing.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people only lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Why do huge people by tiny cars? They look like they couldn't find clothes to fit, so they're wearing a car.
Nowadays MILF doesn't have the same meaning, especially since there are 15 year old moms
Love and Alcohol are same... Once tasted, you can never stay away from them !!!!!
EVERY girls dream is to eat without getting fat.
There's 5 words in the English language that gets everyone defensive, protective and nervous..... those words are "Can I see your phone?"......
i joined a bridge club, I'm so excited. I jump tomorrow.
Practicing my "Eye Rolling" cause you know... tomorrow's Monday.
Thanks to '50 Shades of Grey', my wife's Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna. 