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Next time someone gives you a business card, stick it in your mouth and eat it without breaking off eye contact 
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
How come Yoko Ono didn't marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Interrsting they're protesting everywhere but America....Pu$$ies
Everyone is at an uproar over published materials.... " Royal Kate over Closer magazine" , "radicals over a cheesy film", "Me over a stupid how to make money infomercial!"
Marriage Tip: Try not to leave a footprint on your spouse's ass as they get out of the car when you drop them at the airport.
I just want a woman who is swooned by me spelling "hippopotamus" correctly.
I think it's time for a new Gordon Ramsey cooking show called "Microwave Meals From Hell!"
I like to high-five after sex because cuddling with strangers is weird.
I'm not crazy, but I was once abducted by aliens. They interrogated me. I didn't understand anything. I don't speak Spanish
Overheard a guy say "Dis hoe jus said she ain't feelin me, Imma keep holla doe", which I think translates to "I make minimum wage"
My daughter is bragging about the blood puddle she left in the grass at rugby. How's your Bieber-haired, skinny jeaned son doing?
The balance of power in our relationship really shifted when he found out how much I enjoy sucking c ock :(
Pretty bummed the iPhone 5 still comes with the phone feature.
those who think printing koran on toilet paper is good better would be to print bible as there are more followers
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own ass.
Whenever I see a guy in jean shorts I feel sad that he has nobody in his life to say, "You really shouldn't wear those."
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Just got fired from my part time job working from home because "Apparently" when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants.
Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself ……………………………………………from negative $hit. 