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My wife does this cute thing where she sprays a mist of perfume in the air and runs through it and gets tripped by my foot and reports DV. 
Unsure what love is, but my ex girlfriend thought going through my phone had something to do with it.
A liar takes forever to explain a simple answer...
Don't you wish your stalker was hot like me? Don't you wish your stalker was far like me? Don't you?
I texted my wife, "Where's my super woman?" She texted back, "That's so sweet x" I replied. "I meant, Where's my supper woman." Stupid predictive text.
Just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right
I'm an overachiever when it comes to underachieving in life.
they're 3 kinds of people in this world. Those that are good with math, an those who aren't.
Dear Ladies, If he calls you at 3:00AM…no offense, but you probably weren't first on the list.
If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
So.. your changing your iPhone 4 just for a half inch?? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same...
You have to hand it to apple.... They added an half inch to the screen and still win the award for the hardest game of spot the difference
It's important to keep your relationship fresh. So, always look for creative new ways to get even.
The difference between guys and dogs is that dogs can be trained.
Getting older means telling the grocery store checker the full story behind every item you buy.
MASTURBATION: because when no one else is doing you, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands!
If you can't tell thousands of strangers, who can you tell? - Facebook
Knowledge is my weapon of choice in a battle of wits. I see you brought ignorance. This is gonna be a massacre!
I saw a couple kissing, giggling, happy, being all lovey dovey with each other while I sat next to them alone. I threw up on them...accidentally
that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters" 