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Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros. 
I blocked Taylor Swift but her songs still play on my radio.
Of course Jesus saves. He's J ewish.
The real victims of the NBA lockout are tattoo parlors and rape defense attorney's.
Slugs Are Just Homeless Snails.!
What is it about Walmart that attracts so many damn wierdos - oh wait i'm here too
Nothing screams self conceited little b itch like opening a second Facebook account because you have reached maximum number of friends when you are not even a celebrity.
Hey Justin Beaver!!! Vanilla Ice called.......he wants his hair back
what does the Quran and weed have in common? ....burn either one and you'll be stoned.
Difference between jam and jelly...I cant jelly my dick in her mouth
It all makes sense now!! Gay marriage and Pot legalized on the same day... Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been misinterpreting it all these years!!
Normal Person Flirting: "Hey babe, what's goin on?" Me Flirting: "Your face. I like that sh!t."
My phone broke. I took it back to the Sprint store and they didn't want to give me a new one. They said "Nothing works 100% of the time, except Mexicans"
When I come back in the next life, I would like to come back as a bathroom mirror in a house full of hot women.
I wish I could go back in time and meet the teenage versions of my parents.
Mary Jane is not a ho, so don't hit it and quit
Today's Joke! A Girl said …….. TRUST ME
Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It's sufficient for me but how will you survive?
There are only two kinds of people in this world: Doctors and Patients
I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday 