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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School??.. COP: ???... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School,,, Sir? 
My super power is inching forward at a red light to make it change to green...
Sometimes its better to remain silent because you are tired of explaining yourself over and over again to the same dumbass person.
hate when I just get home and can't sleep cuz it's too bright out!
It's like 7 degrees today. I just hugged a guy & I had to call him an ambulance, he got 2 deep nipples stab wounds on the chest.
Am I gonna have to be the one that asks? Really? Cause I'm not seeing how we're supposed to buy into Donkey having babies with the Dragon from Shrek
hope the women don't sue me for lying about my length too
If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't run a piss-ant's go-cart two laps around a cheerio!
Some peoples tattoos look like they were done in a jeep going over sweet jumps!
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
Women want someone that looks good on their arm, holds all their crap, and compliments their shoes. Basically men are just purses.
Having a threesome during Flu season is just asking for trouble..
Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can’t see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don’t kill him.”
Absolutely no one can text faster than a pissed off woman.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Some girls put more effort into naming their Facebook photo albums than I put into my life.
Idea to help fight the obesity epidemic in America: Force Walmart to keep their parking spaces at least 200 yards from their entrances.
The person with the longest text message response time has the upper hand in the relationship.
Hey person calling me from a blocked number, I’m not answering. Ever.
If you peel back the foil on pudding and don’t lick the pudding on the foil before indulging in the pudding then I’m sorry to say you’re not cool. 