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Funny how you can make friends with people just by liking and commenting on their Facebook posts. Then you show up unannounced in the middle of the night at their house and SUDDENLY IT'S WEIRD. 
Hey white p eople with dreads - that's quite enough of that.
I used to think Adam Sandler is funny, but then I turned 10.
This vodka smells like someone fat and ugly is gonna be getting laid.. *I hope its me*
It is so hot and humid in Montreal that our dog tried to get into the deep freezer to cuddle with my daughter's a sshole ex-boyfriend.
I'm not like, a tornado expert or nothing, but if you see one, the general idea is that you run AWAY from it? Storm chasers are suicidal....
not all handsome guys have girlfriends. some of them had boyfriends.
5 out of 6 people really enjoy Russian roulette.
Michael J. Fox has friended and unfriended me 45 times in the last 30 seconds.
what ever happened to that girl group 3T?
How to murder someone: tell them you love them so much, and then go on to forget about their existence.
Move away from the coffee pot and no one gets hurt.
Happy Hurricane Season!!
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser ツ
I used to be a people person......but people fckued that all up...
Overprotective parents raise the best liars.
Girls have periods, cramps, babies, and everything else. The least a guy could do is text her first
Girls who pretend to act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick.
Dear Fellow Americans, we need to stop making stupid people famous.
“Who is this I just got a new phone?” Really means I didn’t bother to store your number because you aren’t that important. 