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I've decided not to get married until somebody asks 
Some countries have evolved and become more civilized while some still have monarchies (looking at you inbreeding Brits).
Alcohol only kills off the weakest of brain cells
Girls: Save your games for family fun nights…..NOT Relationships!!
0 = The amount of care about your Candy Crush progress.
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbour mowing the lawn. I figured he just have to mow aound me, I'm not moving.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
It has been a over year since I've been with women.... I think I need to start collecting cats?
I just saw in the news that President Obama is going to nominate Caroline Kennedy to be the next US Ambassador to Japan. Gee. You would think after all these years we'd stop trying to avenge Pearl Harbor.
I Just saw Detroit at the Coinstar machine...
Eating soup in the shower isn't saving me as much time as I thought.
That's not a fragrant pillow, your head's on my a$$!
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh it, I'm pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
20 years ago when the guys went out, one of us got stuck with the porker. Nowadays, all but one gets stuck with one…
I wonder if somebody ever got "Catfished" through Christian Mingle?
I'll explain my status update right after you explain why you're so ignorant.
I'm running out of people I can tolerate!
"You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun! 