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How to spot single girls: If you hit on her and a man beats you, she has a boyfriend. If you hit her and she pepper sprays you, she's single. 
Here's a crazy concept, maybe I'm not in a bad mood, angry, or a douchebag. Maybe I said it because it's true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
Some people look forward to the morning to have a new challenge. I look forward to the morning to have my cup of coffee.
Sex is like cooking. Your girlfriend will be angry at you because you ate your neighbour’s even though she hasn’t cooked for you in weeks.
We're here today to witness the union of two special people. The lasers we use to fuse them together are very powerful,,,, so goggles on please
To save myself a lot of frustration, I have decided to assume that every new person I need is an idiot until they prove otherwise.
A good rule of thumb is to take the amount of trust you have in someone's knowledge and decrease it by 15% for each tooth they're missing.
Getting married fulfilled all my dreams of having scheduled sex with my clothes on
After sex, I like to lay with you, cuddling, and whisper things in your ear like… “why are you still here??”
Goal weight: when I wear a speedo, people can actually see the speedo.
Just my saw neighbor and asked "how are the little ones?" "Oh fine, out of school soon." Apparently she didn't realize I meant her breasts.
Sometimes I think I got away with all the drugs I've done...but then I drool mid sentence and realize...nope.
If God has a plan for everyone, his plan for me is to push me to the edge every day until I eventually choke myself out with a neck tie.
I'm just no good at being sleazy... I may need to go to Britain for some training.
I don't think the country that sells Dolly Madison Pink Frosted Zingers should be preaching about using chemical weapons on people.
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
All you got to do now-a-days is act like you know what your doing...its worked for me so far!
it okay to text my kids not to come home cause i'm gonna do their mom? I mean, it is 2013... RIGHT?
So I came home and all my closest friends and family are in the living room telling me that I need to stop drinking and partying so much. Worst. Flashmob. Ever.
My favorite meal of the day is beer. 