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Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . . 
Drake's music so soft when I play it my speakers float away.
Well at least Jesse Drives off to the need for speed trailer.
I would start smoking meth if that's what it took to get another season of Breaking Bad.
My hair made me look stupid so I cut it. The moral of this story is, if you try to make me look stupid I'll cut you.
I'm sorry I keep looking at your chest while you're talking. It's just so beautiful. What is it, oak?
Honey I shrunk the kids' college savings,,, and bet on a pure bred horse
DOC: I'm sorry, but you only have 2 weeks to live... *I slip the Doc a 5 dollar bill*... DOC: Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy... *I wink at my loved ones*
Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!
Experience is a cruel teacher. It gives a test before presenting the lesson.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
Behind every woman there's a man trying to put it in her butt.
I'm a firm believer in the separation of church and Earth.
Nothing says "Let's work things out" quite like "I'm pregnant".
Spiders - because women need to know they are not independent.
Ladies, we don't really want a sandwich after sex, we just want you to get out of the bed so we can go to sleep
The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.
My wife finally got a "Brazilian". He seems nice.
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 guys...that's the limit.
It's a shame that we live in a society that praises the pretenders, rewards the liars and promotes the talentless. 