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I met a nice, down to Earth woman. After a few minutes of random conversation, I casually remarked, "I'll bet anything that you're not at all materialistic." She said, "I hate sewing, so no." 
I'm thinking about having children. Does anyone have a good recipe?
Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber are like Clark Kent and Superman, you never see them both in the same place. . .
How do I stay fit and healthy? By drinking vodka and pushing kids off bikes.
Ever have a dream you just want to write down so you can turn it into a movie? An island with dinosaurs, and a T-Rex. A T-REX!!!!!
I go from love to restraining order in one marriage.
I didn't get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Your heart will always try to trick you into believing you can love only one. The truth is you can love many. Because love is everywhere.
Seem we are experiencing an Atheist Appocolypse ... maybe we need to start stabbing knives in their skulls
I didn't sign up for the 401k at work, because there's no way I can run that far.
[insert status unrelated to Sylvia Browne foreseeing her death here]
Did it for the vine. Court date pending ....
the reason it's called the deadlift is because the bloke who came up with it died.
If this God wanted to impress me with his miracles, he would've impregnanted Joseph and not a poor, unwed teenage girl. That sh|t happens everyday.
If all mankind descended from Adam and Eve who only had two sons like the bible says, then it means we are all products of incest which according to the same bible is major sin.
A new poll shows that if the election was held today Mitt Romney would win against President Obama. Well after this healthcare debacle Anthony Weiner could win against Obama
And for whatever reason, no one told em how to get to Sesame Street
FYI: Frosty the Snowman is constantly screwing with the thermostat at parties
Warning. This property is protected 4 nights a week by a guy with a 12 gauge shotgun. You guess the nights.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot 