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Soul mate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee. 
Twitter..the Walmart of social media.
Judging by all these mosquitos passed out and puking on my chest, I've had too much tequila.
Baby, I'll respect you in the morning if you leave tonight.
Ugly people withholding sex until the last minute coz they know it’s the only ace in their deck of cards.
I'm not so much offended by what Megyn Kelly says, but I'm offended that someone so dumb and foolish has her own TV show.
Jesus and santa are not real. You can live up to a 1,000 year and still never get to meet Jesus.
My bartender can beat up your psychiatrist, now pop a pill while I have a drink!
I once won an argument with a woman. This was my only consolation considering after she won the divorce settlement.
It would be so much more ''festive" if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season
Vodka works better than Mistletoe at Christmas Parties. That's because with Vodka someone is getting kissed whether they want it or not.
I always try to see my relatives with love and affection during the Holidays. When I can't I try to see if there is more Bourbon available.
Just finished shoveling 6 inches of snow off my lawn. Then I mowed it.
Justin Bieber wants to take Paul Walkers place in the new Fast and Furious film. Why doesn't he take his place in the car accident instead?
He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good 'cause...Santa works for the NSA.
Great just great...my wife left the seat warmer on in the car now I have to walk around with swamp butt
Just throwing this out there... Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty as the new Terminator.... the Siborg
I need a hug and a beer, this climate stuff is stressing me!
Climate/Climax same difference, both involve changes in temperature.
I think I'm going to save my good stuff for the after hours crowd, it's Getting Hot In Here! 