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I have no problem expressing my feelings. *loads shotgun* 
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.
The problem is people are everywhere.
In another dimension, I'm happy and sane. Please don't tell my wife.
why would you argue with a feminist? what would be wrong with you? they hate you because you have a pen*s. not some douchey thing you did.
Words I'm incorporating into my vernacular: Vernacular, Incorporating
it just me, or was music better when ugly people were allowed to make it?
I don't mind country music... but there comes a point in time when listening to lyrics about cruising around in a pick-up truck can drive you insane
I saw a pretty girl and asked her "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven" She jumped in and said "That's an old line." I told her "you didn't let me finish... I was saying "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven, like Satan?"
when you heard a jet overhead this past two weeks, were you looking to see if was Malaysian Airlines 370?
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I should have learned some other stuff.
I'm a revengetarian. Yeah, strictly vengeance-based diet. It's a lot of waiting around for livestock to be jerks to me
"You should try these mushrooms. They're a type of flavorless fungus that have flecks of cow poop clinging to their surface!"
its like hot people have the right or licence to be rude and inconsiderate.
Sorry for chest bumping Chuck E Cheese so hard he fell down and broke his arm, but in my defense the Kidz Bop version of Enter Sandman came on.
My neighbor was banging on my door at 3 a.m.! Can you believe that? 3 a.m.! Luckily, I was still up playing my drums....
Ladies, if you suspect your man of cheating and you know where the "mystery" woman lives... drive by the house and if the WiFi connects you have your answer.
My wife just had my tubes tied, and now She's become........inconceivable.
My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we're mostly pricks.
Really offended these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don’t treat every burrito with the utmost respect. 