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Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports 
If the Lord is always with me, that dude's sat through a lot of jacking off.
I don't have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.
I must not be real stupid, television has not made me famous yet!
Please spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going on a business trip to China on that Malaysian Airlines Flight No MH. 370, and now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment. (Ever)
My drivers license is just a piece of paper that says I'm not Asian
Sex so good, you call off the restraining order.
Rodney King said, "Can we all get along? The answer is no because too many people make a very good living making sure we don't....right, Reverend Al?
Sometimes when I see an airplane passing over I just wish I were on it and didn't care where it was going.
How I hate people who initiate a conversation and don’t continue with it.
There are some souls you meet and you know right away you'll love them forever and laugh together in heaven or fry together in hell.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
wonders why we can't just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
Music is no longer an art. It has become a commodity. As far as entertainment goes these days, there's very little difference between listening to music and buying wheat.
-= REDs got to host an Olympic game, then all of a sudden they're the USSR again.... Let's pray Germany doesn't host the next one. =-
Are the hookers giving you the policeman's discount?
I am way to old for this "being sober" sh*t...
Why does the Avon lady walk funny. Her lipstick. 