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I'd have more money if I didn't buy that $20 shirt back in 2009 
Being in hot water isn't so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
For best results use like way more than directed by your physician.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"
R kelly is doing a tour in Pakistan … I guess they’re going to finally have piss in the Middle East
saw my ex with her new boyfriend today, he has arms and legs just like I do, she seriously needs to move on. jeeez. he even has eyes.
The 78th Rule of Fight Club: When it’s your turn to bring the snacks, be respectful of your peers’ food allergies.
I dream about naps.
Don't see the point in calling this phone a iPhone anymore, it' spends that much time on charge it may as well be called a landline!!!
Why can't they give scary names to typhoons? Like Chaos or Obliterator or Shaniqua. Vongfong sounds like something you've just taken out from a Chinese restaurant.
I ran out of Anti-Depressants, so I'm drinking my bottle of No More Tears Shampoo.
Whenever I lock my car, I always press the remote lock button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I MEAN BUSINESS.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would probably be ok, but I don't wanna be dragged from bed 'paranormal-activity' style..
the news asks why people would join IS? one word - obama
it cheating if I put pictures of my food on another website? was just wondering...
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. I only have 13 more to go!
My girl an I play this game called "hide the alcohol from the alcoholic".. right now she's losing
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
If Ebola broke out in Vegas, would it stay in Vegas?
When you're at work,,, tell someone that has OCD that you drove past their house, and it looked like a light was on... *Sit back and watch. 