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Sorry, I can't be your Valentine. I already have 12. *points to case of beer* 
Triskaidekaphobia = Fear of Triscuits
I surprised the Avon Lady when I came to the door naked. She was more upset that I knew where she lived.
Some guy just asked me for the time like its 1993 or something.... "Hold tight my good fellow, allow me to fetch my time piece from my pantaloons"
WIFE: "Hey hon, you think you can pick the kids of from school?" ME: *takes a sip from 'Worlds Greatest Dad' coffee mug'* "Sure... what school do they go to?"
Safe to say none of us have any plans on eatinging Eminem's mom's spaghetti?
They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye
I have a habit of breaking into the song "Uptown Funk" every 5 minutes and try to include it in conversations. Don't believe me ? Just watch.
Unless the only drama in this relationship is just us out of alcohol, I am indifferent to it.
Since Disney now owns Star Wars and the new one will be out this year, featuring Princess Leia. That would now make her a Disney Princess.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
Women suck at buying gifts for their man because they spend 95% of their time shopping for themselves.
This whole Brian Williams things is a great reminder that it never pays to lie. Sent from my Galaxy S7
"I'd hit that" ~ Old people that drive.
Sex with a balloon animal artist goes down hill pretty quick after he gets the condom on.
Maybe we could get Obama to take ISIS seriously if we convince him they are behind global warming?
You know you are at a 50 shades of grey movie when instead of handing out 3d glasses they hand out condoms
Only 11 minutes of Shade? Save money and go rent Basic Instinct with Sharon Stone instead!
Kanye is not TOTALLY useless, he did raise Beck awareness. That is a good thing
Omg!!! She said YES!!!! Best Valentine's Day ever!!! Can't believe it!!! She agreed to just order pizza & watch TV on 14th February!!! 