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Hillary's already working on her 2020 re-election campaign 
f you don't routinely use a Darth Vader voice to order at the drive-thru, odds are good we're not gonna be friends.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
it's a jungle out there and I ain't lion!
This Earth Day, I'm trying to do my part to make the world a better place by making a list of people I wish would move to Mars.
Dating is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Oh,, and BTW,,,, Earth day is just another made up holiday to sell more earths
I was gonna throw an Earth Day party but I forgot to planet.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say "hello?" so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
She tried to make me leave the house without my phone charger and that's when I called the cops.
I'm craving a milkshake but I don't want a bunch of dudes in my yard.
Fighting fire with fire seems like a waste of time and resources. I'd use Justin Bieber.
When I was younger I always wanted to marry a doctor for money. Now I just want the prescriptions.
Accidentally went grocery shopping hungry and now I'm the proud owner of isle 6...
Just got an email saying "want to see Taylor Swift Live"? I thought it was a ransom demand....
Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em
I bet "Game of War" would do better if they'd just spend a few bucks on advertising.
Now that everyone has cameras you'd think there would be more pictures of UFOs, Bigfoots, ghosts, etc.
Anal bleaching... Because some a**holes need to lighten up. 