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Happy anniversary to the love of my life, and her husband Steve. 
You people who don't wear glasses don't realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone's being a moron.
So...how does this Bernie Sanders redistribution work? If I have $10 and my friend has $20, he has to give me $5, right??
My wife ended up with a broken nose and a black eye today because she wouldn't listen to me. I said, "Honey! Look out for that lamppost!"
If elected president, I will remove all things Kardashian and Jenner from the Internet and television.
Maybe the baby wasn't on board. Maybe the baby was against the whole thing.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If everyday is a gift then today was socks...
If you're last name is Walker and you aren't a Texas ranger, I'll assume you have disgraced your family by choosing another profession.
How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl + S
How can someone who makes less than 200,000 a year vote Republican I'll never understand.
My neighbours kids pretend restaurant sucks,, The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.
You havent truly hated me until you've heard me eat a bag of chips while you're trying to watch a movie.
*watching news report of zombie apocalypse* Me: This is great. No work today!
I'm from Canada, but they kicked me out 'cause I wasn't sorry.
Safety Rule #1. Never put your hand where you wouldn't put your willy
I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but didn't know if it was there or not.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
What if oxygen is poisonous and it just takes 75-100 years to kill us... 