Funny Status Messages

   When my ex eats alphabet soup she chokes on the D!!!

   I always felt like a boy trapped inside a woman’s body… then I was born.

   Feeling down? Just play your wedding tape backwards and you'll feel better.

   See what happens when you name a hurricane after a man! He won't ask directions, wanders around lost, leaves a mess and doesn't clean up after himself!

   I thought Hurricane Harvey was the miss Universe thing

   Before you go driving thru flood water, remember water made the Grand Canyon.

   it just me or has Aunt Jimmah lost weight?

   I can't be the only one who hasn't seen a Taylor Swift video

   A friend of mine drowned at the beach. The Coast Guard asked me to identify the body. I said duh, it's the Atlantic Ocean.

   I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping: 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size

   We should start a cult. You know, for tax purposes.

   College wall posts, Welcome back students. Sex is not allowed in the dorm rooms. The students are like, " Yeah Right "

   Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many

   I don't think the American people will ever unite and get along.

   Most wives don't mind if their husband brings some work home with them to do. But my sister sure does. Her husband is a mortician.

   Where do you place the cornerstone in a roundhouse

   People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

   EMINEM: My symptoms: palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, and I threw up Mom's spaghetti WEB MD: you have cancer

   If I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender can I tell everyone that "Yeah, I Juice."

   Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat? Good times.