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Your small talk is beginning to make my eye twitch. 
Surely if Steve Buscemi of all ugly people can have a successful career in Hollywood, there is nothing that should stop you from achieving your own goals.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when the crook gave up and threw the gun at him?
I'm not musically inclined so I orchestrate robberies.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We'll see about that.
I just keep telling myself you guys don't have sex either.
ICEBERGS: Ha ha!.. We just sunk the Titanic... HUMANS: Oh yeah?... We'll show you. . We'll show ALL you!... *starts global warming
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
If Justin Bieber thinks he's the Kurt Cobain of this generation why hasn't he killed himself yet?
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. She said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
If I ever I start thinking about get married I'm going to first let them use my slow as molasses computer with slow Internet service just to see who they really are.
Tupperware...how about TupperWHERE IS THE FRIGGIN LID!
I wish we lived in a better world. A world where I can order mozzarella sticks, and not get judged or quetioned when I ask them to put cheese on them
people either say i'm "pretty funny" or "pretty smart" but they always forget the word "and"
Bars are opening early Thursday. Russian vodka shots 1/2 price....
I had my GF wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for some role playing. She got my name wrong during thr sex. FML
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball."
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