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The Definition Of Toilets: The one and only thing Obama is qualified to do, is clean toilets. . . 
After spending years trying to find a good therapist, I can now recommend a great one. His name is Captain Morgan.
The term 'Islamophobia' is as silly as 'Naziphobia'. Phobia means irrational fear, my fear of Islam is not irrational- -Anna Doe
I didn't realize the AIDS epidemic was so bad, they say one in every two and a half men have it
The only time I believe in luck is when a married man has sex.
We should start all over again and accept only people who know the difference between ''your'' and ''you're''.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
The thing about a woman's smile is not knowing if she's simply happy, or because she can't wait to burn your clothes for replying "k" to her heartfelt text message.
Me: I'm lonely Vodka: hey
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by religious fanatics
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I seriously doubt Dire Straits are still getting their chicks for free.
With all the negativity on the internet lately its nice to Charlie Sheen is positive...
My4FavoriteThings: 1) Long walks on the beach... 2) Long walks back to the car.. 3) Long walks on the beach looking for car keys.. 4) Long waits for AAA
Most of the time my life is going great, the other times I am just sober.
So. . . If ISIS is contained, like obama says, why can't the refugees all go home?
Adulthood is looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by an airplane.
*discretely cancels date with Charlie Sheen*
"Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after Luke won the lottery.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could've been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
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