Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   There is no such thing as 'American English'. There is English and there are mistakes.

   Cluelessness in dogs is cute but not so much in human beings.

   If Bruce Jenner can win woman of the year, I see no reason why Sarah Jessica Parker can't win the Kentucky Derby.

   On her knees with a nice scalp of hair is how I like seeing your girlfriend while you're away at work.

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   The difference between you and me: You call the shots. And I drink them.

   UGGS, The winter equivalent of Crocks. You approach me with Uggs, I'll assume you're a mental patient.

   Besides watermelon, there should be airmelon, firemelon, and earthmelon.... The four elemelons.

   After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?

   *email from Domino's .....You haven't ordered pizza in 2 days... Is everything all right?

   Hmmmm,,, "I've never been on a blind date before," I proclaimed while being jostled around in an unmarked van with a thick cloth hood over my head.

   Son: Do I sleep on my stomach or back?... Me: Your back, that way youre ready to fight if the monsters attack... Son: WAIT ??,,What? .... ME: Night son

   I'm not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy

   I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke

   Farts are like children. I'm proud of mine and disgusted by yours.

   *I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death, but my bicycle gets stuck on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

   Tonight's Jets/Bills football uniforms resemble my Starbucks cup.

   I have come to the conclusion that all women are bipolar. Thats the only sensible explanation.

   “This mattress looks nice…” “Feel free to test it out, sir.” *curls up on mattress and cries for 10 minutes* “I’ll take it.”

   I think this midget prostitute is really selling herself short.