Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.

   I guess our first date went pretty much like most of them do. After some drinks, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. That was in May.

   •_•) <) )╯Tee / \ (•_•) \( (> gee / \ (•_•) <) )╯eye / \ (•_•) <( (> eff / \

   Episode 21: MacGyver fixes his broken heart using nothing but a lighter, a spoon, and a syringe full of heroin.

   So I'm on my knees holding myself wondering why I asked that little kid a minute ago if they took karate

   Ask your doctor "if shutting the hell up " is right for you

   Walk up in da club like YAY! I just reached my FitBit step goal!!

   Tomorrow's assignment: end every conversation with "Thank you for teaching me how to love again."

   I like using those "family restrooms" because everyone can sit on the toilet together.

   Diet status: Discovered that a Pringles can fits exactly into the cup holders of my truck today.

   I have nothing in common with people that think about work when they're at home. I don't even think about work when I'm there.

   Was asked to join the Optimist Club the other day but I just had this feeling that no good would come of it.

   Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta

   Here is my panic room. Over there is my slightly anxious room, and next to the foyer is my complete mental breakdown room.

   While you're out partying, I'm playing Connect Four with Thin Mints, by myself. Who's the loser now? Not me I've won 5 sleeves times in a row.

   If you've ever seen a foal being born then you pretty much know what it looks like to watch me get out of a beach chair.

   I have no idea what swag is, but I'm fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.

   People are really judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

   Being a baby seems fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours. That seems fun

   I hate when people don't know where "to" put quotation marks.