Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but cake is always nice.

   So how in heavens name with all the available utinsels out there to eat rice with did two round sticks win?

   You know you're in the wrong part of Montana when you get up in the morning and go to the motel lobby and the television is tuned to MSNBC

   *BREAKING** NASA CONFIRMS THAT PLUTO HAS A TINY VENUS..

   I have Never faked a Sarcasm in my Life!

   (At Costco) Hi can I just have a water bottle "Sorry sir all we have is this pack of 2,467 water bottles"

   never in my entire life have I cooked the right amount of spaghetti noodles.

   During a fight with your wife tell her you're bored

   Don't make me take my bra off.... Because without it.... you will see I have bigger balls than any guy out there!

   To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.

   "Oh, you smoke cigarettes? Don't bother, I'll take myself to the friendzone."

   I don't chase after girls, unless I have my inhaler with me.

   a restraining order just her way of telling me she's into bondage?

   Love is blind. It's also drunk, has a wooden leg, Tourette's, a crippling fear of heights & if you poke it with a stick it plays dead.

   *walks into CVS*...."Hi, sorry I have another return. This brand of dental floss tastes like blood too."

   7: Dad, why did you name me after a number?..... "It was an odd time in our lives, son"

   "I enjoy long walks on the ocean"......................

   I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.

   Shout out to the knife for always having my back.

   People who cancel their Facebook account are the real heroes.