Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My 13 year old daughter just lit up a cigarette at the dinner table. I've never been more furious. And she did it right in front of her kids too.

   *Phone rings* "Mr. Hughes" "Yeah?" "You need to come pick your son of from school" "Awe crap, what did he do?" "Nothing, its almost midnight"

   In 200 years superstitious villagers will be sprinkling gluten over their doorways to keep soccer mums and hipsters at bay

   What time will humans be inside so I can go grocery shopping alone?

   I think I'll save these pain killers for when I'm feeling better.

   Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn't have said.

   This crackheads teeth look like she's been smoking firecrackers.

   A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

   Just watched a guy walk down the street eating a bowl of cereal. That guy has life figured out.

   Kindness, compassion, open mindedness, and unconditional love. That's my religion.

   I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper at the Dollar Store.

   When someone over 40 tells me they've never been married & have no kids I don’t question them…I just pat them on the back and say well done!

   When I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.

   *NASA Headquarters: Reporter- Why did you name the Mars rover Curiosity?... Scientist- The prototype killed a TON of cats.... Next question.

   *parked outside a Walgreens.... "Psst, hey kids. Wanna make $5?.. Sweet... Listen, do you know what tampons are?"

   "Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself."... *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft

   Towel-heads are at it again.

   Cant wait to see the new Terminator movie ..Rage Against The Vending Machine

   Finally Bert and Ernie can quit living in sin!!! #onelove