Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sex is great and all, but have you ever had someone scratch your back exactly where it itches?

   Sure love doesn't cost a thing. Now hand over your soul.

   Me: Don't jump! Come down from the ledge! What are you doing up there? Him: I'm 38. Me: So? Him: And a virgin.... Me: Happy Landings!

   If I were to have one regret as a parent, it would be that I taught my kids how to talk..

   I carry a yard sale sign around with me, so when my girlfriend throws all my sh*t onto the lawn I can just sell it there.

   Sorry I almost knocked over your toddler Mr Shouty, but as you can see I'm trying to rollerblade and take a selfie.

   Why in the world is there no bacon emoji.... It's really hard to text your grocery list when there's no emoji for bacon!!

   "I'm going to open a restaurant called" "Peace and Quiet" where" noisy people "meals cost $150."

   Most bars should be called peace and quiet, after the no smoking signs went up

   Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?".. Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and said it would be $6 for coffee"

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on,,,, *that's just science

   Just ate 3 tennis balls by mistake,,,, frig you Pringle's.

   The Ark, Day 1,,,, NOAH: OK, lions, you're in L CARGO,,, bears, you're in B CARGO,,, and snails, you're in S CARGO....

   I think you meant to say, "Leave things that don't exist alone you idiots"

   Girls are not that complicated? Dude, girls are a jenga crossword puzzle combined with a Rubic’s cube strapped on a terrorist who is screaming you in a language you don’t understand.

   Not enough dishes to fill up dishwasher. Had to wash three cups and a fork by hand. This must be what it felt like to live in the old west

   So apparently, BFF, does not stand for 'big fat friend'. sorry Maureen on FB.

   I don't have any friends. Is enemies with benefits a thing?

   Bought a new boomerang today but I'm having trouble throwing away the old one.

   Well son, when you were little your monther read on the internet and heard from her yoga teacher that vaccines don't work. Anyway, sorry your legs don't work.