Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I always found it ironic when the president of a nation who leads the world in global arms sales speaks out against gun violence.

   I have a female anatomy medical chart above my bed to use as a reference if I ever get lucky again*

   I don’t think I meet the height requirement to ride your emotional rollercoaster

   A lot of women can’t drive because they’re too busy giving mixed signals.

   Me: How much for the horse tornado? Guy: Sir, that's a carousel.

   Sheen 2016! Because there's nothing more bipartisan than tiger blood

   My local Taco Bell put in super bright parking lot lights so when people buy drugs they know they aren't getting shorted.

   I'm black but not "both my parents are white" black.

   How long do I have to stay in the shower before the shame washes off?

   I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.

   If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-a$$, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-a$$ into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.

   Three things that I learned today:1) I'm bad at Charades 2) There are no films called 'Choking' or 'Dial 999' 3) Grandad is .. I mean, was, allergic to peanuts.

   Yea, gun control is awesome...if you're the one controlling the guns.

   Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

   Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?

   If I'm am ever wronged, I expect you to avenge me. So be ready.

   Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.

   Kind of unfair that dentists are the only ones who have the freedom to shove their hand in someone's mouth when they start talking.

   I'm funnier online than in person, and funnier in print than online, but I'm at my funniest when you have no interaction with me at all.

   I miss the days when if a person took a billion pictures of their own face, they would end up being institutionalized.